Is This the Fun Part?

We've all seen that scene in romantic comedies.  You know the one I'm talking about, where there's a couple who's madly in love, discussing their future together  Inevitably one of them, usually the woman, brings up having a family some day and the man replies, "I don't know if I want kids, but I'm sure we'd have fun trying."  Cue steamy love scene.  

When my husband and I decided that we wanted to start a family three years ago, I wanted to do everything "just right."  

I immediately started focusing on getting the right prenatal vitamin, eating the right foods, and taking the right supplements.  I started scrutinizing everything my husband ate as well, pressuring him to give up his beloved potato chips and beer and nagging him to drink his smoothie and take his multivitamin.  Eventually I started obsessing over my cycle as well.  Was my luteal phase long enough? Was my cervical mucus the right consistency? Were my temperature readings accurate?

Having a baby became an obsession like no other, and that was before we even started trying!

As you can imagine, my marriage suffered because neither of us were enjoying ourselves.  I felt like there was always something more that I could be doing, and he felt like I was just using him for his sperm.  After six months like this, I had to ask myself, "Is this the fun part?"

If you go into any TTC forum, one of the most hated pieces of advice amongst the members is, "Just relax."  I get it.  How are you supposed to relax when your greatest hopes and dreams are at stake?  The more you know about everything involved in actually conceiving a baby, the more amazed you are that anyone gets pregnant at all.  You want to prepare yourself in the best way possible.  You want to take those 100 days before you start trying seriously.  You want your partner to be as committed to the project as you are because, after all, having a baby has always been part of the plan.  

The problem with this approach, as you've probably guessed from my story or perhaps are experiencing yourself now, is that babies don't come from "doing it all right."  

They don't come from control, but rather from letting go.  So much of a woman's fertility is tied to her ability to recieve, to be open to new possibilities.  As I've said in previous blog posts, your uterus thrives on passion and joy, yet so many of us start our fertility journey weighed down by worry, anxiety, and if you're anything like me OVERTHINKING!

One of my goals as a Fertility Coach is to help my clients rediscover "the fun part" of their quest towards the BFP (Big Fat Positive). 

Here are six of my top suggestions:

1) Have sex because it feels good

Remember that babies come first and foremost from having sex.  Good sex.  Passionate sex.  The thing is, it's hard to have amazing sex if you're only reserving it for the days when the ovulation kit says it's okay.  According to Emma Cannon's book, Total Fertility, "a high level of arousal in men is thought to be associated with better-quality sperm" and "female orgasm can help the sperm move through the cervix and closer to the egg" (112).  Take advantage of the time you have as a couple to enjoy each other sexually, regardless of where you are in your cycle.  Missionary is said to be best for conception, but that doesn't mean you can't experiment with other positions that turn you on in the meantime.  Rediscover each other's bodies, points of arousal, new ways to climax, even words that turn each other on.  Use your desire to have a baby as an excuse to spice things up!

2) Find a passion project

Having a passionate relationship with your partner is great for making babies, but so is having passions of your own.  What are you passionate about in your life right now?  What part of you is waiting to be awakened?  Become involved in volunteer work, learn to play the piano, take a creative writing workshop.  Make room in your life for an activity that you really look forward to participating in that can be your tiny escape from the everyday routine.  Getting involved in something that lights you up from the inside will help lower your stress levels, reconnect you with parts of yourself that you might have forgotten about, and remind you that there is a whole other world that exists beyond pregnancy tests and baby pumps.  

3) Get fertile in the kitchen

Following a fertility friendly diet doesn't have to be a chore.  There are so many delicious whole foods that are beneficial not only to your reproductive system but also to your overall health. Get creative and start incorporating them into your everyday meals.  If you feel like making something special, plan to go to a farmer's market with your partner on the weekend.  Look at all of the beautiful colors of the produce, the luscious fruits, the dark leafy greens. Try ordering your regular supermarket staples online or buying the essentials on a different day so you can have more freedom to let your senses lead the way.  If you enjoy cooking together, experiment with a new fertility friendly recipe when you get home. Break out of your comfort zone and be open to where it takes you.

4) Get your groove on

You might not realize it, but a key part of your fertility has to do with how comfortable you are in your body. Traditionally, dance has played a role in fertility, with belly dancing being one of the most ancient rituals.  You don't need to take a belly dancing class though, to reap the benefits.  Any dance that allows you to fully inhabit your body and express yourself freely will help.  Since I started taking Zumba a month ago, I've realized how little of my body I was actually using when I was dancing on my own.  I've always admired women who really know how to shake it on the dance floor, not only for their skill, but also for their confidence and their ability to own every part of themselves without fear. Through my Zumba class, I've discovered that I can have these qualities too and that the sexy woman dancing in the mirror is actually me! 

5) Splurge on non-toxic beauty products

If you don't know already, conventional beauty products are laden with potent endocrine disruptors that can wreak havoc on your fertility.  Realizing that everything from your shower gel to your favorite foundation may need to be replaced can feel overwhelming, but it's also a great excuse to indulge yourself and discover new products that make you feel fabulous.  Start with the products that you use every day and that come in greatest contact with your skin.  In other words, invest in a body cream that you slather on every morning before you move on to your mascara. That being said, I've always thought that the right shade of lipstick can change your mood, so if you like makeup feel free to treat yourself to something more glamorous as well.  Slowly accumulate everything you need to develop a self-care routine that will make you feel beautiful inside and out.

6) Get in touch with nature

Who doesn't love a walk in the park, a hike in the mountains, or a skip along the beach?  Spending time in nature will keep you grounded and has been shown to lower levels of the stress hormone cortisol and can even  give your immune system a boost.  Remember cortisol and progesterone share the same receptor sites, meaning that the higher your cortisol levels, the lower your progesterone will be.  Progesterone is important for successful implantation of the embryo as it helps build up the uterine wall, so it's important that we do what we can to keep cortisol in check.  When was the last time you made a date with Mother Nature?  If you're interested in becoming a mother yourself, you should think about giving her a call.

What's your favorite part of your fertility journey right now?  If you feel like you're ready to get to the fun part, but not sure how, send me an email at info@jolindajohnson.com and we can discuss how to make this a top priority.  After all, you're worth it!